ALL ON THE TABLE...

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Since I'm making huge life changes I decided to make a huge change to my hair to feel like a new person I guess. so there it is. Dark and fun new bangs.

Onto the hard stuff.....

I decided to write this because not only is everyone asking what is going on, but for me. It's therapeutic to get my feelings out on paper (Internet style).

I want to say thank you for all the emails, texts, phone calls and Facebook messages. It helps tremendously to know how much love and support I have.

Divorce has such a negative connotation attached to it. It really is an ugly word. It's something I'm slowly going to have to deal with at my own pace. I know I will be great eventually, but of course right now it is hard. Yesterday was the hardest day yet. I'm hoping the worst is over. Kazj and I still care about each other and I feel very lucky that we are being grownups and cooperating to make this divorce go as smooth as possible. I have heard horror stories of people dealing with lawyers and so much drama. I can't even express how thankful I am that we are being peaceful. I can't imagine dealing with that on top of what I'm already dealing with.

Through the last two years I lost site of what I really want in life. Trying to make something work and giving up things that I want to try to make something work for two years is rough especially when it was clear we both had different goals, want different things or whatever the issues were. During this extremely difficult time I have again realized what is most important to me and what my goals are. I need someone who is going to make me a better person, respect me and love me. I know that if I want to find that person I need to place myself in situations that are going to help me meet those kinds of people. I need someone who I know will be a great father and will be strong in my church and will help me surround our lives in God. I will never sacrifice what I want right now and what I want for my future children.

I have grown and learned a lot about myself and relationships in the last two years. I am so excited to move on with my life and become much stronger and a better person. I have come to face that kazj and I are looking for different things and that our differences weren't going to ever work. I know some people look at it as giving up, but I think we both know it was never going to work. Giving up to me would be staying in a relationship that is damaging and not trying to better yourself. Neither of us were willing to put forth the effort to fix our marriage because of our differences. Its easy to say "what if this" and "what if that" but the reality of it is it's too late to go back and mend damage and differences. All that matters is that I move on and keep my head up and like I said, focus on what I want in my life. Of course there is A LOT more involved that doesn't need to be said to the world.... and that is the sum of it.

I'm planning on the next few months to be difficult. It's going to be hard to adjust to being alone and all the other things that come along with the divorce. I am excited for new adventures and trying to be as optimistic about my future as I can be right now!

Again I want to say thank you for the nice comments and support you all have given both Kazj and I. We both appreciate it more than words can express. I would never wish this upon anyone and I never in my life thought I would ever be in this position. Now that I am, I need all the prayers and strength of my family and friends that I can get.

XO.