Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Since I'm making huge life changes I decided to make a huge change to my hair to feel like a new person I guess. so there it is. Dark and fun new bangs.

Onto the hard stuff.....

I decided to write this because not only is everyone asking what is going on, but for me. It's therapeutic to get my feelings out on paper (Internet style).

I want to say thank you for all the emails, texts, phone calls and Facebook messages. It helps tremendously to know how much love and support I have.

Divorce has such a negative connotation attached to it. It really is an ugly word. It's something I'm slowly going to have to deal with at my own pace. I know I will be great eventually, but of course right now it is hard. Yesterday was the hardest day yet. I'm hoping the worst is over. Kazj and I still care about each other and I feel very lucky that we are being grownups and cooperating to make this divorce go as smooth as possible. I have heard horror stories of people dealing with lawyers and so much drama. I can't even express how thankful I am that we are being peaceful. I can't imagine dealing with that on top of what I'm already dealing with.

Through the last two years I lost site of what I really want in life. Trying to make something work and giving up things that I want to try to make something work for two years is rough especially when it was clear we both had different goals, want different things or whatever the issues were. During this extremely difficult time I have again realized what is most important to me and what my goals are. I need someone who is going to make me a better person, respect me and love me. I know that if I want to find that person I need to place myself in situations that are going to help me meet those kinds of people. I need someone who I know will be a great father and will be strong in my church and will help me surround our lives in God. I will never sacrifice what I want right now and what I want for my future children.

I have grown and learned a lot about myself and relationships in the last two years. I am so excited to move on with my life and become much stronger and a better person. I have come to face that kazj and I are looking for different things and that our differences weren't going to ever work. I know some people look at it as giving up, but I think we both know it was never going to work. Giving up to me would be staying in a relationship that is damaging and not trying to better yourself. Neither of us were willing to put forth the effort to fix our marriage because of our differences. Its easy to say "what if this" and "what if that" but the reality of it is it's too late to go back and mend damage and differences. All that matters is that I move on and keep my head up and like I said, focus on what I want in my life. Of course there is A LOT more involved that doesn't need to be said to the world.... and that is the sum of it.

I'm planning on the next few months to be difficult. It's going to be hard to adjust to being alone and all the other things that come along with the divorce. I am excited for new adventures and trying to be as optimistic about my future as I can be right now!

Again I want to say thank you for the nice comments and support you all have given both Kazj and I. We both appreciate it more than words can express. I would never wish this upon anyone and I never in my life thought I would ever be in this position. Now that I am, I need all the prayers and strength of my family and friends that I can get.

10 comments on "ALL ON THE TABLE..."
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  1. I'm so sorry you are going through this Jalynn. You can tell how strong and classy you are by what you wrote. Keep your chin up, you are a beautiful talented girl who deserves the very best. I know we were never very close, but please let me know if you need anything. I still live in Provo, so if you need a little getaway let me know.

  2. Hi Jalynn,
    I totally just stumbled upon your blog, and I feel really compelled to leave a response, hope you don't mind my being a stranger and all. When I read your post I could relate to so much of what's happening for you. Although I have never been married I recently got out of a 3 and a half year relationship that was torn apart by religious differences. As much as we loved and respected one another and were trying so hard to move forward and build a life together our beliefs were no longer the same, and the implication was that I either needed to change or we were probably going to end up making each other very unhappy. We simply wanted different things in life. As hard as it is right now for you, I have to tell you that I think you are doing the right thing. I know the stress that comes from trying to find common ground for way too long, and you simply can't be untrue to your own needs in order to please someone. I do believe things happen for a reason, and God has a new plan for you. I will keep you in my prayers. Your new look is gorgeous, btw!


    I'm hosting a vintage dress giveaway on my blog, hope you will stop by!

  3. I went thru a divorce back in March, after 6 years of going down the wrong road, I figured it was finally time to start going a new direction. My ex was thankfully pretty cooperative and I handled all of the legal matters on my own, went to court on my own and was quite surprised at how simple the process was (mind you, we had no children nor property to squabble over) We divided our belongings peacefully and I finally felt free for the first time in what seemed like forever.. I wish you the best of luck in the coming months and hope your new life's direction takes you exactly where you want to be. If you have any questions don't hesitate :]

  4. Jalynn,

    Thank YOU for being so respectful of Kazj. It is so wonderful to see how you obviously still care for him and don't want to disrespect him.

    I know that you will hear a lot of 'are you sure that you can't work things out?', but in the end God wants you to be happy! He wants you to find and have everything you have wanted and more.

    I hope you're holding up okay. Remember to smile as much as possible; even if it feels like you have to paint that smile on. Sooner or later, that smile will be real and full of joy.

    If you ever feel like you need someone to relate to, or something to read to help you through this, I recommend the following:

    Much love and prayers are headed your way!


  5. Eloquently spoken. My heart brakes for your tough choice and is hopeful for the best in your new chapter.

  6. I am so sorry you have to go through such a hard thing. It sounds like you definitely have your head on straight though and know what you want out of life. It is true that God wants you to be happy, and more importantly- strong and faithful. Forget what everyone else says that may be against your decision. You know what is best for your future. No one wants to live their entire life unhappy. I love you tons, I am so thankful to have gained such a good relationship with you this past year and hope we can continue :)

  7. I have only been following your blog for about a month, but you are such an inspiration to me! Good luck and in the end you will be a stronger person for going through this!

  8. I will keep you in my prayers! My best friend is going through the same thing, so I can kind of get a glimpse of what it may be like. Stay strong, and always remember Heavenly Father is always by our side and he most defiantly has a plan for us all! Hugs Hugs!!

  9. Your hair is super cool- love it! Keep your chin up :)

  10. You're in our prayers. I believe you are going to come out of this so much stronger & better.

    On a lighter, happier note:

    I love the new look. I especially love dark hair in the winter. It looks absolutely lovely.